Surely, there will be another time.   Next year, I will ………   Once we’ve put our kids through college, we will…..  I wish I had the freedom you do to ……..    Det går inte!! (Swedish for “It can’t be done”). 

I’ve been thinking a lot about time and whether there’s enough of it left for me to experience something again.  Like hiking the west coast of Sweden along the North Sea, I wondered: Will I get a chance to do this again?  Some things, like enjoying a favorite meal or drink, will most likely find their way into my schedule again.  But what about ‘bigger’ undertakings, like roaming Jeju Island and walking all the Olle-gil trails around the island?  Will we be back here?  Will I get another chance to see Kenneth (my mom’s husband of 40 years) who was just diagnosed with cancer in the lung, skeleton and liver? How much time does he have left?  I just saw him in September and spent some quality moments with him alone, just chatting about memories, listening to his stories and being present with him.  As we said goodbye, I hugged him longer than I usually would, and even caressed his face which I’ve never done.  Somehow, my own predicament of 5 years to live entered my mind space and not yet knowing about his cancer, I sensed his fragile state and didn’t want to miss the opportunity to express my love and care for him. 

The question “Could this be the last time?” enters my consciousness often these days.  But not so often as to be overwhelming.  I give a lot of space for “now” too.  Just feeling the moment.  Letting the wind blow through my hair. Watching the stray kittens outside on our patio tumble with each other and look adorable.  Sitting at the dock by the East Sea admiring the full moon reflecting on the choppy waves.  Warm summer rains gently falling on my bare feet.    My favorite moment?  Waking up with Linda snuggled next to me, feeling rested and healthy.  No back pain, no achy joints, no inflammation in my body, no fever.  Just harmony and calm.  My mind at peace.  How blessed can you be?